Gray Monday

I am trying to get started here at work, but my attention keeps wondering back to my daughter. When I said goodbye to her this morning she had a very sad look on her face. When this happens, I want to do nothing else but be there for her and ask her why she's so sad and listen, truly listen, to what she is saying. But there is this board of directors meeting this morning and I have so much to do to make sure it goes well. So I just touch her cheek, look her in the eye and say, "Everything will be alright sweetheart. I will see you this evening." Then I go.

Now I am at work, and to be honest, I am a mess inside. I am torn up by guilt that I am not there enough for my kids. And yet, it also seems that I never have enough time to get everything done at work. So many times I find that I give and give but still find that more is required of me. I get so tired, but I keep giving. Occassionaly I start to break, and I lose my temper and yell at someone. Then I feel disgusted with myself so I pick myself up and start giving again.

But back to the present. The questions "Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right thing?" are weighing heavily in my heart. What is the right thing to do here? Am I going to end up being a dad who was never there for his children?

I'm beginning to obsess over this when my phone rings. It's my wife calling me from her cell phone while she is driving my daughter and her friend to school. I am relieved to hear my daughters voice in the background as she talks and laughs with her friend. She's ok! My wife gives me the "to-do" list for the day, and then goes.

OK, now I can focus on my job...