Crying

Crying has gotten a bad rap. I don't know why, perhaps because so many people find it so annoying. So many well intentioned people find themselves saying to a crying child "don't cry". Don't cry? Why not?

I have done a good amount of research on the topic of crying, and in particular how to be with crying children. I never liked being told not to cry when I was a child, and I vowed not to say that to my own children when I became a dad. But I still found myself wanting to sing to my youngest son "Hush little baby don't you cry..." in the middle of the night. I know that my intention in those moments is benign; I don't want to see my children suffering because it is difficult for me to see their pain. Here is what I have learned though about crying; crying is not the pain itself but is the expression and the healing of the pain. Stopping a child from crying means that the child is left in isolation with their pain. Crying is the process by which we all heal from being hurt, whether emotionally or physically. We all know about the person who never cries... they are bitter and detached from their own feelings. It is clear to me that it is much healthier to cry whenever the desire appears than to hide it in shame.

I like to encourage my children to cry more when they are crying instead of less. "Tell me more" I often say. Usually they will cry anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes at a time. I have experienced over and over again that if I can hang in there until they have cried as much as they need to in that moment, when they are done an amazing change occurs with them. Suddenly they are completely present, happy and relaxed. Physical injuries that get my full attention will be forgotten in minutes rather than days. Conflicts that seemed irresolvable are solved. It amazes me every time.

And I am not saying that I always find it easy to hold a child while they wail. Sometimes it takes all of my reserve, occasionally I have sounded just like my parents saying, "Please stop crying!".

I love my children, and I want them to be completely comfortable with who they are, and to live a life that is honest and inspired. I believe that to do this they will need to cry. And not just when they are young, but for as long as they live. A few weeks ago I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed by anger and hurt over a series of events, and I was beginning to take it out on my family. I found myself alone in the kitchen trying to relax when my wife came in and said, "I am sorry you are hurting so much". That was all it took... the dam broke and I began to sob. My daughter came in and I felt more than a little awkward as I realized that she had never seen me cry. In an excited voice she said, "Is daddy crying?". She immediately followed it with "You look funny when you cry daddy". She was delighted that I was wise and brave enough to cry. Then with her and her mother bearing witness to my tears I felt a great healing occur. I was immediately filled with inspiration and as a result my situation changed immediately. I was then able to give once again. Later my daughter took my hand and said, "Daddy, will you cry more often... please?". And I am sure I will.