Crying

Crying has gotten a bad rap. I don't know why, perhaps because so many people find it so annoying. So many well intentioned people find themselves saying to a crying child "don't cry". Don't cry? Why not?

I have done a good amount of research on the topic of crying, and in particular how to be with crying children. I never liked being told not to cry when I was a child, and I vowed not to say that to my own children when I became a dad. But I still found myself wanting to sing to my youngest son "Hush little baby don't you cry..." in the middle of the night. I know that my intention in those moments is benign; I don't want to see my children suffering because it is difficult for me to see their pain. Here is what I have learned though about crying; crying is not the pain itself but is the expression and the healing of the pain. Stopping a child from crying means that the child is left in isolation with their pain. Crying is the process by which we all heal from being hurt, whether emotionally or physically. We all know about the person who never cries... they are bitter and detached from their own feelings. It is clear to me that it is much healthier to cry whenever the desire appears than to hide it in shame.

I like to encourage my children to cry more when they are crying instead of less. "Tell me more" I often say. Usually they will cry anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes at a time. I have experienced over and over again that if I can hang in there until they have cried as much as they need to in that moment, when they are done an amazing change occurs with them. Suddenly they are completely present, happy and relaxed. Physical injuries that get my full attention will be forgotten in minutes rather than days. Conflicts that seemed irresolvable are solved. It amazes me every time.

And I am not saying that I always find it easy to hold a child while they wail. Sometimes it takes all of my reserve, occasionally I have sounded just like my parents saying, "Please stop crying!".

I love my children, and I want them to be completely comfortable with who they are, and to live a life that is honest and inspired. I believe that to do this they will need to cry. And not just when they are young, but for as long as they live. A few weeks ago I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed by anger and hurt over a series of events, and I was beginning to take it out on my family. I found myself alone in the kitchen trying to relax when my wife came in and said, "I am sorry you are hurting so much". That was all it took... the dam broke and I began to sob. My daughter came in and I felt more than a little awkward as I realized that she had never seen me cry. In an excited voice she said, "Is daddy crying?". She immediately followed it with "You look funny when you cry daddy". She was delighted that I was wise and brave enough to cry. Then with her and her mother bearing witness to my tears I felt a great healing occur. I was immediately filled with inspiration and as a result my situation changed immediately. I was then able to give once again. Later my daughter took my hand and said, "Daddy, will you cry more often... please?". And I am sure I will.

Dual Role Parenting

This weekend I tried to focus a lot on my relationship with my stepson. It's been suffering from lack of good attention lately while I have been pulled in so many other directions. To be honest, there are a lot of reasons why my relationship with him is difficult for me.

 

First of all his father has always been adversarial to me. For a while he even blamed me for the breakup of his marriage which is extremely absurd. He still to this day will not come to the door when picking his son up. Instead, he will pull up to the front of the house, beep his horn and turn the car around so that he can get away as soon as possible. This has always created a large amount of stress for my stepson which is absolutely unnecessary, and it angers me. Also, the choices he makes with his son are very opposite what my wife and I would choose. For example, my wife and I both believe that movies and television are not supportive of a child's healthy mental and physical development. On the other hand my stepson's father thought it would be fine to show him the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark when he was only 5 years old. When my stepson told me that he was having nightmares of peoples faces melting, well, it took a lot of effort on my part not to go over to his dads house and enlighten him.

 

There were also some challenges from within my own home. These challenges centered around the issue of parenting roles. My wife was still treating me as a step parent with issues and decisions regarding my daughter, and that did not go over well. It took me 3 years before I realized what was going wrong. I never made a conscience acknowledgement when my daughter was born that I would, from that moment on, have a new role in my interactions with my wife: I was a husband, step parent and now a parent. There were many very important life decisions regarding my stepson that were rightly left up to his mother and father to decide. But when I found that I was also not being considered in these decisions for my daughter, I quickly realized that something was really not right. During this transitional time in life, I began to let my relationship with my stepson become less of a priority for me.

 

Another challenge for me was just the fact that he is 12, and as is common among 12 year olds, he is certain that he knows and understands EVERYTHING much better than anyone else, especially his parents. I have found myself criticizing him about very trivial things because, truthfully, I was just extremely annoyed with his arrogance. So this weekend I tried to really slow it down, and to listen to him without reacting. I let him know that I really admire him, and I do. Is some ways he is very advanced for his age. For instance, we had a great in depth talk Saturday night about racism. Some of his thoughts and observations were very deep. In fact, there are some people who do not grasp the truth he has already mastered during their entire lives.

 

Before he went to bed Sunday night he hugged me and said that he really enjoyed getting close to me again this weekend. He thanked me, then he went to bed. I sat down for a minute after that and took a deep breathe. I was suddenly flooded with sadness and exhaustion, but I also felt that I had just accomplished another step in one of my long term goals... and that goal is to have my stepson look back when he is grown and to find that I added to his life in a positive and meaningful way.

 

I slept good last night.