Hey, I'm back!

OK, so life has changed. Since I last wrote it's been, uh... over 2 years. OVER 2 YEARS?!

0.o

I have this to say right off the bat: divorce sucks. I mean it is the worst thing that I can imagine a person ever having to go through. I say that of course, because I am in the midst of it though near the tail end (I hope) and I went through my own parents divorcing when I was 8. I was decimated at first, but now I am back and inspired and ready to go!

I am reading a book about writing that says all I have to do in order to be successful at writing, or at anything, is to show up fully (body, mind, heart, desire and soul). And I knew, as soon as I read that I knew from my heart of hearts and my soul of souls that this is true. It's that simple! I just need to do this. I can do this! I will do this!!

OK. Here I am, all of me. Let's get started... uh, hey mind now stop worrying about what people are going to say and how they will react to what I say. Be yourself, stay inspired and avoid this self doubt. Good. Oh, and body, I know you want to either eat ice cream or get up and climb something, but please, let's work together here. Settle down for a bit. OK, let's go... oh now this is embarrassing. Hey desire, can we think about winning the lottery or dating Angelina Jolie later? Thanks. OK, ready to go now... oh geezus! Heart, now come one. I know you've been through hell lately but you are OK now, you really are OOOO Kaaaay. Crap, now I'm crying. Breathe, breathe, breathe...

Here I am, all of me; all the mess and the triumph and the failure and the doubt and the emotional devastation and the newly improved self confidence and the madness and the joy and the hurt and the loving nature and the terrified, wounded, bitter part. It's all here, now. I just show up with all this, and I can do this, I can write something inspiring and I can succeed at being alive, fully alive being who I truly am when all these parts of myself are here and working together.

Shit.

Come on all of me, let's go get some ice cream...
(to be continued soon with major breakthroughs and more insites...)

Ear Tubes, Allergys and Attitude

Last week my five year old sons doctor said that he wants to put tubes in my sons ears to help with the fluid backed up in his inner ear. The reason for the fluid backup may be an allergic reaction to wheat or dairy, so my wife and I have placed him on a wheat free, dairy free, corn free, sugar free diet. Hopefully he will get better after the diet change and won't need this surgery which could cause hearing loss.

My anxiety about this whole thing is through the roof.

Tubes in my sons ears? Lifetime hearing loss? Not to mention the fact that his hearing is now compromised due to the stuck fluid in his ears. I am constantly remembering every time I got upset with him for "not listening", and each time I said to him "I know you heard me!". I feel more like an ass than a dad lately. But kids are resilient. His attitude shows it when he says things like: "Just get over it dad" and "chill out". OK, I am trying...

I'm Back and What's Going On

I finally converted to the Google owned blog manager, and it actually worked this time! The last 2 years have been a real challenge for me. I was laid off from work... twice... and I had surgery on my left shoulder to remove some bone spurs and repair the tendons. Now I am back at work and my shoulder works great and my kids keep growing and getting older.

On another topic, my grandfather died on January 15th. He was 84 years old and his heart just stopped while he was eating breakfast. We weren't that close. He was never a part of my everyday life, in fact I haven't spoken to him more than once or twice a year since I was a kid. But he was a good man who respected all people and who always had a joke to tell. His passing has given me pause to reflect on the meaning of family. We weren't close, but I miss him. I may never understand why, but I am now more aware of reaching out and sharing more with the rest of my family.

Onward...

My Son's Upsheren (3rd birthday)

My son was born with shoulder length, beautiful dark brown wavy hair. So by the time he was 3 years old, his uncut hair was in his face most of the time and I couldn’t wait to cut it. You see, my beloved wife is Jewish, and it is her tradition to wait until the child’s 3rd birthday to cut their hair (called an upsheren). This is a beautiful tradition, which symbolizes the pureness of children and the fact that they come straight from God. It is a way to honor their sacred innocence.

During the days before my son’s 3rd birthday, my wife and I told him about the upsheren ceremony, and that his hair would be cut in front of those gathered for this special day. He was excited, and a little wary. I felt pretty much the same way. Truthfully, it drove me crazy the way his hair would fall into his food when he was eating, and then it would stick to the sides of his face. And he hated washing it, which I wanted to do every night before he went to bed. For these reason’s, I was anxious for the day to come when I would cut his hair. But I had other feelings that came up during the actual ceremony that I was unprepared for.

His upsheren was at our house with about 30 people and the rabbi present. My son’s long beautiful hair was pulled backed into one thick ponytail, and the ceremony was just about to begin. Suddenly I looked at him and I felt a sadness start to come up inside me. My son was about to loose some part of his innocence for the first time. My eyes were starting to tear up with this realization, and then it was time for me to stand up behind him holding the scissors while the rabbi said a few words. My son was silent and still, bravely holding in his anxiety with everyone watching him. It was unknown territory that he was about to find himself in. Then it was time. I held his banded hair in one hand while I started to cut with the other. That’s when it hit me; this was not the first time that I had cut away some of my son’s purity, breaking his outer connection to some divine and sacred past.

The first time was when I cut his unbiblical cord right after he was born.

As I worked the scissors on his thick band of hair, I suddenly hand a very profound experience of being in 2 places at once. I could never before that point have understood how this would be possible, but emotionally I was truly in both places in that one moment of time. As I was cutting his hair I was also cutting his cord. Time and space no longer separated the two events. And after I cut his hair, I cried. Gone were the days of strangers asking me what my daughters name was for clearly now he was a boy with short hair, and I felt joy and I felt sadness simultaneously. It was amazing, and I was overwhelmed by my own emotions.

As for my son, he was pretty quiet about it for the first day. The following day he told me how much he loved his hair short. “Thank you!” he said. It was the most profound “thank you” that I have ever heard.

Reflecting on last nights dream...

Last night I dreamt that I was once again in Henry’s house. Henry was my house-mate for six years and my friend for over 10 years. He passed away from cancer over 5 years ago. In my dream I was alone in his house, and I stood for a long time just watching the sunlight coming through the partially draped windows. Finally I went into the kitchen looking for something sweet. There was a large chocolate cake in the fridge that looked like it would have been good about a week before. I debated whether or not to eat it, eventually deciding not to. On the counter I found a lemon cake from the night before. It was already stale but the lemon filling still looked good. I tasted some, but it seemed to be void of any flavor. I went back into the living room. I sensed that someone was there with me, not Henry but his widowed wife or maybe a mutual friend named Suan. But no one was there. And I stood there, alone, sad, listening to the silence. When I woke up I cried in the shower. Why? I miss his friendship. He was one of the few people I have met in my life who understood who I was; who understood how growing up afraid my father would kill me or someone else effected me; who understood that if I needed something it took me a while to know it. He also believed that I could do great things, and that I was capable of a great love. Would I have found that great love, my wife and my children, if not for Henry introducing me to the possibility that I could have those in my life? That I deserved to have them? I don’t know, but I do still miss Henry. And today, I sure could use that encouragement in my life.

OK, enough wallowing…

Today is my daughters first day of 2nd grade. She got her hair cut yesterday and she has some new clothes. What an exciting time! More about that later, gotta go now…

The First Phone Conversation

I just had the first phone conversation with my 2 year old son. It went like this:

son: "Hi Daddy!"
me: "Hey, good morning. How are you this morning?"
son: "Ya."
me: "Is your mom making breakfast?"
son: "Ya."
me: "What are you eating for breakfast?"
son: "Ya."
me: "Are you hungry?"
son: "Ya."
me: "OK, enjoy your breakfast. Can I talk to your mom?"
son: "Ya."
me: "OK, hand the phone to your mom ok."
son: "Ya. Bye-bye Daddy."
me: "Bye, I love y..."
son: Click

You might have to be a parent to understand just how cute and amazing and wonderful that conversation was. Ya...

911, Starting School and My 2 Cents

Recently my 2 year old son gave my wife and I quite a scare. He was sitting in a spinning office chair while his sister rolled him around the house. At one point she spun the chair and my son tumbled out, landing with the side of his face on the carpet. Since he was holding his toy stuffed kitty, he didn't even put out his hands to stop the fall. I ran and picked him up, and the first thing I noticed was that he looked dazed, and he wasn't crying. My wife came out then and took him. While we were both looking down at him in her arms trying to ascertain the extent of his injury, suddenly his eyes shifted and then rolled up and his lips went white. In near mind numbing horror I grabbed the phone and called 911. Even before I hung up the phone though his eyes rolled back down and he looked at his mother, then just as suddenly as they went white his lips turned red as the blood began to flow to his head again. At first I thought that he must have hurt his neck. But the firemen and the paramedics who arrived less than 2 minutes later explained that when the head receives a good jolt it will shut down the blood flow for a moment, but will start up again as long as the injury isn't severe. It sounds a lot like a computer rebooting to me. Before the firemen left my son was up and playing again, though a little dazed, and he enjoyed sitting inside the fire truck. As for me, I am still recovering from that moment when his eyes rolled and his lips palled.

My daughter started the first grade last week. I am sending her to the Waldorf School and she loves it, so much so that she complained about not going to school on Saturday. She loves drawing, and I received not one but 4 beautiful birthday cards from her that she made herself. I guess I am truly sentimental; I could never throw those out!

Also starting a new grade is my 12 year old stepson who just started Jr High. It really brought back memories of my own school experiences watching him deal with his anxiety about starting a new school. He is doing very well now though.

I recently read something on the Natural Child web site called "22 Alternatives To Losing It". Most of these I practice already, but in day to day life the reminders are always very helpful.

And finally, I have to add my own two cents about the disaster in Louisiana. Yesterday I read a news story entitled "Bush Takes Responsibility". That's great. Sounds like he's finally saying what everyone wants to hear, and it's what he should be saying at this point. But it is what a person does that defines who they are, not what they say or even what they believe. Just a few days before Bush "took responsibility" he announced in front of a group of reporters that Mr. Brown (former head of FEMA) was "doing a heck of a job". Mr. Brown has now resigned and clearly, he was never qualified for the job Bush gave him. I can't fathom how anyone, with ALL of the disasters that this President has overseen so incompetently, can still believe that he is "doing a heck of a job".

That's all I got to say about that... for now.

New Words and A Love for Horses

Hey, I'm still here in case you were wondering. Life has been full for me as I rush from one situation to another. And in between this task and that, life goes on and my kids keep growing. My young son calls me "Daddy" now. The first time this happened was last Sunday. "Yeah!" I said, "I'm not Mommy anymore!" But a few hours later he fell and skinned his knee. "Mommy!" he said, reaching out to me. Oh well.

My daughter has been having a busy summer. She went to horse camp 2 weeks ago and she absolutely fell in love with her horse. She cried for several days after the camp ended, saying she missed her horse so much. It broke my heart! I've never considered owning a horse before, but I would learn just to see the excitement and joy on her face!

Time for me to pack up and head home now...

Emerging From The Shadows...

OK, it's bothering me that I have not written anything here in a while. I got hung when I decided that my next post was going to be the most inspiring and informative post ever written. I guess I just can't meet my own expectations. I do that a lot...

So I'll just write about what I'm thinking about right now, this minute. Hmmm... What am I thinking?

As I was reading the news this morning I started to ponder the presence of anger, rage and hatred that seem to be so prevalent in the world today. Maybe I should stop reading the news because it really does overwhelm me. When I think of my kids it terrifies me. How can I keep them safe from all of this madness? The greatest challenge in being a parent is to protect the innocence of the children while not being too controlling and to keep them safe while letting them go and explore the world around them. There are no easy answers to what the right thing to do is. It changes every second. If I did not have years, maybe life times, of spiritual practice then I would be completely lost. In fact, if I did not have a dedicated practice of self reflection I would probably be a lot like my parents. I can't think of any other thoughts that would motivate me more to take the difficult path of conscience parenting and conscience living. Slow down, breathe and don't panic are the mantras of my parenting life.



This was surprisingly accurate:

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 100% Idealist 81% Romanticist 50% Existentialist 50% Modernist 38% Materialist 31% Postmodernist 31% Fundamentalist 19% What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com

Interlude

Just a quick report of what's on my mind right now, then I have a serious matter I need to attend to...

In The News
Finally, some real investigative reporting (the kind that you don't see much of these days).

In My Life
I just found out that my daughter is sleeping over her friend’s house tonight. My wife called me at work to tell me that she has been picked up already. That means I won't see her until tomorrow evening. I am having one of those moments when it feels like time is spiraling out of control. My kids are growing way too fast, and before I know it they will be living their own lives too busy to visit me. What will I do then? I am not one of those parents who can't wait for their children to be off to college.

On the other hand, I get to spend some quality time with my son tonight. And I am sure he will enjoy having my full attention without his sister tackling him every 20 minutes. My wife will be at work, so I can even order in pizza!

That's about all I have time for right now. I have that serious matter to attend to... My Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream is melting...

Civil Liberties At Risk

OK, I just have to say something now about the Terri Schiavo case. I am appalled at what is happening and the precedence that our government is trying to set. As I read about the bills and laws that the Governor of Florida, the President and our Congress have created and passed solely to force the reinsertion of her feeding tube against the wishes of the person she herself appointed with power of attorney, I began to feel extremely worried. How long until this government decides that they know better what I should do with my life than I, or my wife who is my power of attorney, knows? While I do feel deeply for the parents and family of Terri Schiavo, I am appalled at the audacity that they are showing in their illegal fight to keep her alive. They don't seem to realize the precedence that they would be setting if they should win. Would they want the government to decide their fate when they are old and feeble? I doubt it. I understand their grief; I would be devastated if one of my children were to have gone through what their daughter experienced. But it is time for them to be with their daughter, to bless her and to let her go.

I am also outraged by the media's coverage of this story. I have not read one story that is not biased towards the family while attacking her own husband and power of attorney. It seems that the media and our government have decided that this guy is a slime bag for wanting to carry out his wife's wishes. I'd like to see a story that talks about this guy’s courage and commitment to do the right thing in spite of everyone, even our so called "President", telling him that he is wrong. I'd like to see a reporter who has the balls to say the truth; that this story is not about "pro-life", it's about pro-civil liberties. Our laws clearly state that the President and Congress have no right being involved in a case such as this.

What do you think?

Advice Column for Parents

I am working on my next entry, but I have been very busy and overwhelmed while time is passing since my last post. My stepson just won second place in the county science fair and now he has been invited to go up to the state level. There is a meeting tonight for all of the parents to get the details that I just found out about last night, and my wife is already going to my daughters school for a meeting of the governing board (we have some things to say to them!). I don't know what we are going to do when the baby starts school and we have 3 kids in school at once! It's a roller coaster ride, but my life has never felt as full and alive as now.

 

Anyway, while I am working on my next blog entry I thought I would throw this out. I love talking about parenting; I have a passion for it. So, if there is anyone who may happen upon this blog who would like to ask any question about parenting, or if you just have a story to tell, please leave a comment. I guarantee that all answers will be respectful, positive and keeping in mind the inherent goodness of all people.